Add The Manager Problem Problem post

Author: codegaze

README.md

@@ -6,4 +6,4 @@ This is the repository of my personal site codegaze.github.io I host in Github P
 
 This repository started as a test to Github Pages, Jekyll and Poole.
 After one month or so of use I decided it's time to change the default theme/files of Poole.
-After 10 years or so of use I decided it's time to move to 11ty.
+After 10 years or so of use I decided it's time to move to 11ty .

_posts/2025-12-15-the-manager-problem-problem.md

@@ -0,0 +1,127 @@
+---
+layout: post
+title: "The Manager Problem Problem"
+description: The Loophole Between Rules and Reality
+categories: ["Leadership"]
+social_image: the-manager-problem-problem.png
+---
+
+It's Monday. You're sitting across from your manager in the 1:1 you rescheduled twice.
+
+You've prepared for this. Careful words. Not accusatory. Just the facts. The pattern. How it's affecting you.
+
+"Last week in the leadership meeting, I presented the scaling analysis. When you presented it to the room, my contribution wasn't mentioned. This has happened a few times now. And I notice I'm becoming hesitant to bring my best thinking forward".
+
+They listen. Actually listen. They nod at the right moments. They ask clarifying questions like they're trying to understand. Halfway through, they say "I hear you. That's not my intent.".
+
+You believe them. Or you want to. Either way, a relief comes with this. Finally they get it.
+
+They suggest a few things. They will be more careful. They'll make sure to credit the team. You'll check in more often. Nothing earth-shattering but it feels real. You write it down. They seem to take it seriously.
+
+And the meeting ends. You leave feeling lighter than you have in weeks.
+
+Friday, you're in the all-hands. Your manager presents a project update. It's work your team did. They talk about the problem you identified, the approach you designed, how it solved the scaling issue. They never mention your name. They took ownership. The audience congratulates them.
+
+You wait for the pit in your stomach to show up. It does. Then it hits you. Not anger. Something worse.
+
+Clarity.
+
+The conversation on Monday didn't happen. You had it. But they didn't. They nodded. They agreed. But they're already operating like the conversation never existed.
+
+If they're operating inside the rules this way, they know exactly what they're doing. And more than that, they know you can't prove they're not. You can't point at this all-hands and say "you promised". They were careful about attribution. They mentioned the team. But they framed it in a way that made it sound like their insight. Their implementation.
+
+Technically, they didn't lie.
+
+But you both know what happened. And there's nothing concrete enough to report, nothing clear enough to escalate, nothing that would make you sound like anything other than someone with a problem.
+
+That's when you realize. This isn't a bad manager. This is someone who learned how to operate inside the rules in ways the system will never catch.
+
+And these are two problems really.
+
+The first is that someone is making your life miserable at work. The second is that the person you are supposed to talk to... They are the problem.
+
+My condolences. You have a Manager Problem Problem.
+
+## The Manager Scale
+
+<a href="/assets/img/manager-scale-graph.png" target="_blank"><img src="/assets/img/manager-scale-graph.png" alt="The manager problem problem - Codegazerants.com" width="100%" style="padding: 40px 0"></a>
+
+The thing is that most managers fall into categories you can actually do something about.
+
+Inspiring, Good or Ok managers can be talked through. You explain the impact. They reflect. They adjust. It's a bit awkward but fixable.
+
+Bad managers either don't do the work or can't. If you have tenure and credibility, you escalate through reviews or skip-levels. You can move teams. It's hard but solvable.
+
+Toxic managers are a whole different case. They break rules explicitly. They cross lines that are clear and documentable. HR has a playbook. Legal gets involved. There's a process, even if the organization is slow to use it. The stakes are high.
+
+But there's another type. The one sitting across from you in that 1:1. They listen when you confront them. They nod. They agree.
+
+The manipulative manager operates inside the rules in ways the system was never designed to catch. They don't break policy. They exploit the space between what's policed and what's possible. They hear your concern and acknowledge it. Then they operate exactly like you never said anything because nothing they do is technically wrong.
+
+When you confront them carefully, they listen. They ask questions. They make small commitments. But in practice, the conversation evaporates. They're not gaslighting you deliberately. They're just already moving on to the next thing, and the promise was never written down, never formalized, never part of the actual system.
+
+You think about escalating. But escalate what? They didn't say anything reportable. You don't have evidence because evidence requires a violation, and they never violated anything. They're good at this.
+
+They throw people under the bus, but only when it matters and only behind closed doors. They befriend people who help them and ignore people who don't. They usually [show you how to cook](/2025/10/19/show-them-the-kitchen/) and at the same time they use chaos as cover, proposing half-baked frameworks as solutions while the team does the actual work. They're relentless about outcomes and invisible about methods.
+
+When you report them, you sound emotional. Unreasonable. Like you're the problem because you're pointing out the problem.
+
+That's the loophole. That's the cunning type.
+
+## Why The System Can't Catch Them
+
+Here's the brutal part. Every organization is perfectly designed to get the results it gets.
+
+Most systems work fine. They catch obvious crises. They escalate law-breaking. They support good managers who make mistakes.
+
+But the system fails to diagnose these cases because it was never designed to catch subtle, invisible problems. It measures outputs. Metrics are usually high. Deliverables are predictable because the team compensates. The system sees success and stops looking.
+
+Organizations measure what breaks, not what was prevented from breaking. They track who fixes fires, [not who prevents them](2025/11/30/no-fireworks-leadership/). So the person who operates inside the rules and delivers numbers looks fine. The fact that the team is burning out, that people are quietly leaving, that work that should take three months takes six because someone's taking credit and creating bottlenecks... that's invisible until it manifests as attrition.
+
+By then, the math has already been done.
+
+Leadership might know. They see exit interviews. They notice quiet migration. They hear whispers. But they make a calculation. A manager who delivers is valuable. The cost of replacing them is concrete. The cost of keeping them is hidden. It only shows up when people burn out or quit. And by then, there's plausible deniability. People leave for lots of reasons.
+
+The business optimizes for continuity, not for your sanity. And from their perspective, the invisible labor holding everything together is just how work happens.
+
+So sometimes, even with the best intentions, the truth is this. They know. They calculated. They decided to keep the manager anyway.
+
+## What Actually Happens When You Try
+
+You already know this part. You lived it on Monday and Friday.
+
+You confront. They agree. Nothing changes. The conversation didn't happen because conversations aren't policy. So they can agree on Monday and operate differently by Friday without technically breaking anything.
+
+You think about escalating. But to who? You don't have concrete evidence. You can't quote them saying something reportable. You have a pattern, a feeling and the knowledge that they're smart enough to never leave a trail.
+
+If you push too hard, you become the problem. Not because you're wrong but because you're making noise about something that exists in the space between what the system measures and what actually matters.
+
+## The Odds
+
+You are in a tough spot. That's the ugly hard truth.
+
+If your manager falls into the Good or Toxic categories, you know what to do. Use your 1:1s. Use 360 reviews. When things get serious, escalate through HR. The framework exists, even if it's not perfect. It was built for these situations.
+
+But if you're dealing with a Manipulative manager operating in this space, the standard frameworks don't help you. They weren't designed for this.
+
+First, stop expecting things to change. If you're in this situation, this is the hardest part and the most important. You keep hoping they'll see what they're doing. You keep thinking if you just explain it better, document it more clearly, find the right words, something will click. It won't. If they're operating this way, they know exactly what they're doing. Nothing you do will fix this.
+
+Once you accept that, you can think clearly about what comes next.
+
+While you're still there, protect yourself. Set boundaries. Stop volunteering for their half-baked projects. Stop hoping the next 1:1 will be different. Compartmentalize work so it doesn't bleed into your life. Document conversations not because you're building a case, but because you'll need reality checks. When they rewrite history, you'll want proof that you're not losing your mind. When they try to blame you for something, you'll want receipts.
+
+Find your people. You need to stay sane. You need to decompress. Talk to peers who see what you see. Build relationships with other managers. You need allies who can confirm you're not imagining this.
+
+If skip-levels exist and you trust the person above your manager, test the waters carefully. Sometimes there's a path to switching teams or reporting lines. But be realistic. Most organizations won't move you away from a "high-performing" manager just because you're unhappy. And if you push too hard, you become the problem.
+
+Those are the things you can try. But here's what you really need to decide because it affects your life.
+
+Are you staying or leaving?
+
+If you're staying, make peace with it. Maybe the rest of the job is worth it. Maybe you can't leave right now for financial or personal reasons. Maybe you're waiting for them to move on first. That's fine, but be honest with yourself about what you're choosing. Stop fighting battles you can't win. Protect your energy. Do your work. Collect your paycheck. Plan for when things change.
+
+I've seen people stay longer, outlast their manipulative manager. Because sometimes the manager moves on, the culture shifts, someone above them finally acts. It happens. Not often. But it happens. And if you're still there when it does, you'll understand how fragile the whole thing was.
+
+The truth is you probably won't be there six months from now. Because things break. And you'll finally accept that you're not the thing breaking.
+
+So, If you're leaving, start now. Not in six months when you've documented enough or tried one more escalation. Now. Update your resume. Talk to recruiters. Reach out to your network. Life is too short and your career is too valuable to let it stagnate under someone who uses you to advance themselves.